Again

Nearly 9 years ago I had a conversation with someone that changed my life. How much it was going to change I couldn't have known then. I remember it clearly. I was warned one night that 24 hours hence we would be having an important conversation concerning something important to both parties. I immediately grasped the intent of the other person - information was being withheld and sought at the same time, and I knew the nature of the information being sought. I remember clearly questioning the necessity of having the conversation as certain information could prove to me more trouble than any perceived worth. In the end I was convinced that the conversation was indeed necessary. Unfortunately I do not remember the argument made by the other side, but I was told that no information would be released to me until I released the information being sought.

The following day I was constantly distracted by my own thoughts and soul-searching. I didn't have a particularly productive day at work and if I had to regurgitate any information I learned in my Unix class that evening I would have laughed in the interrogator's face. While driving home from the class that night I was listening to the song "Lateralis" by Tool. The final push of the song bears the lines:

With my feet upon the ground
I lose myself between the sounds
And open wide to suck it in
I feel it move across my skin

I'm reaching up and reaching out
I'm reaching for the random or
Whatever will bewilder me
Whatever will bewilder me

Following our will and wind
We may just go where no one's been
We'll ride the spiral to the end
We may just go where no one's been

Spiral out - keep going

After that song was over I turned off my stereo to drive in silence, but those words kept echoing in my head. It was when I turned my car off that I finally realized the information I possessed that was being sought. Then began the internal debate on whether to share it and go from there or hide it and try to keep a semblance of normalcy.

Well, long story short, the information was exchanged by both parties in a conversation that spanned nearly 3 hours. I knew then things were going to change.

I went out to my car to retrieve something left there earlier. There is a ceiling of low stratus over Houston tonight moving to the northwest with the seabreeze from the Gulf of Mexico. I watched the flight of the clouds and immediately thought back to those song lyrics and the conversation of that night nearly 9 years ago. There were breaks in the fast moving ceiling, and I was hoping to catch a glimpse of the North Star in those breaks, but tonight it wasn't happening.

As I looked in the direction of the star I almost repeated my "Why?" question, but to do so would have been wasted words. I guess the better question now would be "Was it all worth it?" Given the hurt I feel at this point it's hard to see the value of the information exchanged that night so long ago. I wonder if the other party is thinking the same thing.

To those of you reading this - you are the first outside of me and this other person to even have a hint of this life altering conversation. I left certain details out, but it shouldn't be that hard to figure anything out. I may go into more detail in the future, but for now I need to keep those details close to me.

Goodnight, everyone.