It's been a little while since I've offered an update. I just haven't felt there was really anything worth telling. Oh well, let's see where we go from here.
Things are slowly getting better. I can feel a little improvement in my attitude every day. Anger still remains. It seems to be simmering but not cooling down. I think if I talk to this person now I would probably lose it and start demanding answers. The fact that she tried to kill herself still makes me want to just fucking scream. This is aside from the fact that I devoted 17 months to a dream that slowly choked to death in the final weeks of last month. Yes, I'm very angry. I will need time to let it slowly bleed from my mind.
My wife and I will be attending a party this weekend. It's going to be a combination graduation celebration and wedding anniversary (same family). We were told it was going to be a Hawaiian-themed party. Ugh... the last time I did anything remotely Hawaiian-themed was when I told my commander in Korea to have a safe trip on his TDY to Hawaii. I'm planning on getting a shirt later today. I just hope they have something that's not too loud. I have a tropical themed shirt here, but it's more in the manner of Carribean tropical than Pacific tropical.
I'm cutting this entry short for now as I have other things I need to do... I'll catch you all later.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Moving Along...
I still have a little bit of a cough from my sickness the week before last. It's going away little by little each day, but I feel a lot better than I did that week. This one left me rather drained as I couldn't even summon the energy to work in an effective manner that week. This past week was spent in a mad dash playing catch up with my clients' needs. Monday will hopefully usher in a return to my routine. I just hope that I haven't done any damage to some of our business relationships with the inability to follow through on some of the requests.
That's the most important update to my life thus far. My camera has also been sitting still for the past 2 weeks. I would like to pick that up again sometime this week and take some photos. I got a lensbaby for my birthday last month and that has given me some rather interesting photos. I especially like the one I took of Angela. The focus is on her facial fur but in the upper corner you can see an open eye. The eye is out of focus and isn't the first thing toward which your eye is drawn, but stands out enought that you cannot fail to take notice. The best part is you can't tell which direction she is looking... my German Shepherd is ever on guard.
A combination of anger, regret, and sadness has been eating me the past week or so. It's finally starting to fade, but it certainly hasn't been any fun. I told myself that I wouldn't have any regret over what happened, but it still popped up. I guess it's the evaporation of a dream that caused the regret to form. I'm getting over it and already noticing a change in my attitude and behavior.
Well, it's late and I'm tired. Goodnight, everyone.
That's the most important update to my life thus far. My camera has also been sitting still for the past 2 weeks. I would like to pick that up again sometime this week and take some photos. I got a lensbaby for my birthday last month and that has given me some rather interesting photos. I especially like the one I took of Angela. The focus is on her facial fur but in the upper corner you can see an open eye. The eye is out of focus and isn't the first thing toward which your eye is drawn, but stands out enought that you cannot fail to take notice. The best part is you can't tell which direction she is looking... my German Shepherd is ever on guard.
A combination of anger, regret, and sadness has been eating me the past week or so. It's finally starting to fade, but it certainly hasn't been any fun. I told myself that I wouldn't have any regret over what happened, but it still popped up. I guess it's the evaporation of a dream that caused the regret to form. I'm getting over it and already noticing a change in my attitude and behavior.
Well, it's late and I'm tired. Goodnight, everyone.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Again
Nearly 9 years ago I had a conversation with someone that changed my life. How much it was going to change I couldn't have known then. I remember it clearly. I was warned one night that 24 hours hence we would be having an important conversation concerning something important to both parties. I immediately grasped the intent of the other person - information was being withheld and sought at the same time, and I knew the nature of the information being sought. I remember clearly questioning the necessity of having the conversation as certain information could prove to me more trouble than any perceived worth. In the end I was convinced that the conversation was indeed necessary. Unfortunately I do not remember the argument made by the other side, but I was told that no information would be released to me until I released the information being sought.
The following day I was constantly distracted by my own thoughts and soul-searching. I didn't have a particularly productive day at work and if I had to regurgitate any information I learned in my Unix class that evening I would have laughed in the interrogator's face. While driving home from the class that night I was listening to the song "Lateralis" by Tool. The final push of the song bears the lines:
Well, long story short, the information was exchanged by both parties in a conversation that spanned nearly 3 hours. I knew then things were going to change.
I went out to my car to retrieve something left there earlier. There is a ceiling of low stratus over Houston tonight moving to the northwest with the seabreeze from the Gulf of Mexico. I watched the flight of the clouds and immediately thought back to those song lyrics and the conversation of that night nearly 9 years ago. There were breaks in the fast moving ceiling, and I was hoping to catch a glimpse of the North Star in those breaks, but tonight it wasn't happening.
As I looked in the direction of the star I almost repeated my "Why?" question, but to do so would have been wasted words. I guess the better question now would be "Was it all worth it?" Given the hurt I feel at this point it's hard to see the value of the information exchanged that night so long ago. I wonder if the other party is thinking the same thing.
To those of you reading this - you are the first outside of me and this other person to even have a hint of this life altering conversation. I left certain details out, but it shouldn't be that hard to figure anything out. I may go into more detail in the future, but for now I need to keep those details close to me.
Goodnight, everyone.
The following day I was constantly distracted by my own thoughts and soul-searching. I didn't have a particularly productive day at work and if I had to regurgitate any information I learned in my Unix class that evening I would have laughed in the interrogator's face. While driving home from the class that night I was listening to the song "Lateralis" by Tool. The final push of the song bears the lines:
After that song was over I turned off my stereo to drive in silence, but those words kept echoing in my head. It was when I turned my car off that I finally realized the information I possessed that was being sought. Then began the internal debate on whether to share it and go from there or hide it and try to keep a semblance of normalcy.With my feet upon the ground
I lose myself between the sounds
And open wide to suck it in
I feel it move across my skin
I'm reaching up and reaching out
I'm reaching for the random or
Whatever will bewilder me
Whatever will bewilder meFollowing our will and wind
We may just go where no one's been
We'll ride the spiral to the end
We may just go where no one's been
Spiral out - keep going
Well, long story short, the information was exchanged by both parties in a conversation that spanned nearly 3 hours. I knew then things were going to change.
I went out to my car to retrieve something left there earlier. There is a ceiling of low stratus over Houston tonight moving to the northwest with the seabreeze from the Gulf of Mexico. I watched the flight of the clouds and immediately thought back to those song lyrics and the conversation of that night nearly 9 years ago. There were breaks in the fast moving ceiling, and I was hoping to catch a glimpse of the North Star in those breaks, but tonight it wasn't happening.
As I looked in the direction of the star I almost repeated my "Why?" question, but to do so would have been wasted words. I guess the better question now would be "Was it all worth it?" Given the hurt I feel at this point it's hard to see the value of the information exchanged that night so long ago. I wonder if the other party is thinking the same thing.
To those of you reading this - you are the first outside of me and this other person to even have a hint of this life altering conversation. I left certain details out, but it shouldn't be that hard to figure anything out. I may go into more detail in the future, but for now I need to keep those details close to me.
Goodnight, everyone.
Friday, May 7, 2010
7 May 2010 (Continued)
I made a lot of false attempts at sleep last night. My first attempt to fall asleep last night was met with the feeling of physical hunger. I couldn't enjoy that little victory (I hadn't felt it since Saturday morning) as my head hurt and I was still feverish, even after a dose of cough medicine. I ate a couple tortilla chips to take the edge off the hunger (that resulted in feeling as if I had just eaten a Thanksgiving meal). Every time I started to drift into sleep I would go into another coughing fit. At around 2:00 am I decided to hunt for the big water cup the hospital gave my wife after her lymphangioma removal in early 2008.
I opened my bedroom door and saw my Beagle walk right across my path. Instead of stopping to greet me, he gave me a "what's up?" look and proceeded down the hall. I stopped and watched him and then it hit me... I yelled his name just as he began his squat. I managed to interrupt him just in time. He won't do it when everyone is awake - he simply demands to be let outside. He won't urinate in the house at night, just defecate. I need to see if there is a way I can adjust his pooping schedule.
After popping an Alleve and filling the cup with ice and water, I went back to bed. The painkiller in most cold remedies barely takes the edge off any pain felt most of the time. I think it was around 3:30 am when I finally drifted into uninterrupted slumber. Eileen woke me up at 8:30 am this morning to let me know she was leaving and the give me a status on the dogs. Back to sleep I went and I didn't wake up until nearly 10:30 am.
This is the best I have felt in a couple of days. I woke up today with more energy than I've had all week. We'll see how this day goes today. My coughing seems to be under control for now - at least I've been able to suppress the spasms long enough to control the cough just enough to bring out the mucus. Speaking of mucus, it feels a little looser than it did yesterday as well... that's definitely going to make recovery a little more tolerable.
As far as today goes I think it will be more paperwork and then if I'm feeling up to it I'll see if we can catch an early showing of Iron Man 2. Well, I guess I need to get to work now... take it easy, everyone.
I opened my bedroom door and saw my Beagle walk right across my path. Instead of stopping to greet me, he gave me a "what's up?" look and proceeded down the hall. I stopped and watched him and then it hit me... I yelled his name just as he began his squat. I managed to interrupt him just in time. He won't do it when everyone is awake - he simply demands to be let outside. He won't urinate in the house at night, just defecate. I need to see if there is a way I can adjust his pooping schedule.
After popping an Alleve and filling the cup with ice and water, I went back to bed. The painkiller in most cold remedies barely takes the edge off any pain felt most of the time. I think it was around 3:30 am when I finally drifted into uninterrupted slumber. Eileen woke me up at 8:30 am this morning to let me know she was leaving and the give me a status on the dogs. Back to sleep I went and I didn't wake up until nearly 10:30 am.
This is the best I have felt in a couple of days. I woke up today with more energy than I've had all week. We'll see how this day goes today. My coughing seems to be under control for now - at least I've been able to suppress the spasms long enough to control the cough just enough to bring out the mucus. Speaking of mucus, it feels a little looser than it did yesterday as well... that's definitely going to make recovery a little more tolerable.
As far as today goes I think it will be more paperwork and then if I'm feeling up to it I'll see if we can catch an early showing of Iron Man 2. Well, I guess I need to get to work now... take it easy, everyone.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
7 May 2010 (The Beginning)
I'm still feeling like crap. The congestion started to leave my sinuses but seems to have migrated to my chest. The fever is going in and out (I measured 99.9 about 10 minutes ago). My diaphragm is sore as are my intercostals. All in all it just sucks to be me right now. I want to sleep, but I need this cough medicine to kick in first.
The past 3 days have pretty much gone by in a blur. The day before yesterday I received a visit fron a Census worker. It seems that they didn't receive my form this year. The same thing happened in 2000. I'm wondering what they're doing with losing forms. Then yesterday I received a Certified Letter from my Homeowner's Assocation. It seems that I forgot to pay my dues for this year. This sucks because the collection fee is quite hefty. Next week I'm hoping to get it paid. And then last night I got a visit from a salesman. Truthfully, I was rather rude with him as I wasn't in the mood to listen to his presentation. I finally had to tell him that I wasn't interested in talking about it and would appreciate it if he would leave. It was not my finest hour, but last night I was not in the best shape physically or mentally.
The worst part about this fever is the delerium I sometimes feel. I caught myself today calling out the name of someone about who I really shouldn't be thinking. The name was followed by the question "Why?" I'm sorry I can't divulge the story behind this right now, I'm just not ready to tell that story to anyone yet.
Speaking of delerium, the cough medicine is starting to kick in. I guess that's my cue to get some sleep. Goodnight, everyone.
The past 3 days have pretty much gone by in a blur. The day before yesterday I received a visit fron a Census worker. It seems that they didn't receive my form this year. The same thing happened in 2000. I'm wondering what they're doing with losing forms. Then yesterday I received a Certified Letter from my Homeowner's Assocation. It seems that I forgot to pay my dues for this year. This sucks because the collection fee is quite hefty. Next week I'm hoping to get it paid. And then last night I got a visit from a salesman. Truthfully, I was rather rude with him as I wasn't in the mood to listen to his presentation. I finally had to tell him that I wasn't interested in talking about it and would appreciate it if he would leave. It was not my finest hour, but last night I was not in the best shape physically or mentally.
The worst part about this fever is the delerium I sometimes feel. I caught myself today calling out the name of someone about who I really shouldn't be thinking. The name was followed by the question "Why?" I'm sorry I can't divulge the story behind this right now, I'm just not ready to tell that story to anyone yet.
Speaking of delerium, the cough medicine is starting to kick in. I guess that's my cue to get some sleep. Goodnight, everyone.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sometime in May 2010
So yesterday I was feeling a cold coming on. You know the feeling - it starts where you know that something just isn't right and then suddenly you feel weak. The soreness starts in and then you can feel your sinuses start to fill up. After texting my wife to ask her if she could bring home some vegetable soup, Cold-Eez, and some OJ (pulp free), I started my latest "I have a cold" oddysey.
I crashed sometime last night around 7:30 pm and woke up around 11:00 am this morning. That's quite a nap, to be sure. I couldn't breathe and couldn't eat. That was on top of the general malaise I was feeling. Since I really couldn't do much, I did a little bit of paperwork and then played "The Godfather" on my XBox 360. It was the first game I bought in 2006 when I got my 360, but I never finished. With there being a dearth of games that catch my eye, I decided to finish this one. I think my next game will be "Splinter Cell: Conviction", but we'll see.
I took another 4 hour nap from about 4:00 pm to 8:00 pm. I didn't really enjoy sleeping my day away, but my body just seemed beat. My appetite started to return around 9:30 pm when I ate 2 English Muffins and still felt hungry (definitely a good sign). I just wish I felt sleepy now.
I don't know why I decided to start reading "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. I'm a little less than 30% through it right now. While a lot has happened so far, I'm still struggling to find a message in the book. Perhaps I need to digest the whole thing and consider the context, but it is definitely a tortuous read. Right now our 2 captains of industry are knee deep in an extra-marital affair, trying to find the engineer who seems to have designed an impossible motor, and are in the midst of a new socialist crackdown on business in the United States. I'm hoping the reading goes faster soon as there are other books I would like to get to one of these days.
Well, that's it for the first entry. I'm not promising an everyday blog here, but I will do my best to keep with timely updates. Have a good night, everyone.
I crashed sometime last night around 7:30 pm and woke up around 11:00 am this morning. That's quite a nap, to be sure. I couldn't breathe and couldn't eat. That was on top of the general malaise I was feeling. Since I really couldn't do much, I did a little bit of paperwork and then played "The Godfather" on my XBox 360. It was the first game I bought in 2006 when I got my 360, but I never finished. With there being a dearth of games that catch my eye, I decided to finish this one. I think my next game will be "Splinter Cell: Conviction", but we'll see.
I took another 4 hour nap from about 4:00 pm to 8:00 pm. I didn't really enjoy sleeping my day away, but my body just seemed beat. My appetite started to return around 9:30 pm when I ate 2 English Muffins and still felt hungry (definitely a good sign). I just wish I felt sleepy now.
I don't know why I decided to start reading "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. I'm a little less than 30% through it right now. While a lot has happened so far, I'm still struggling to find a message in the book. Perhaps I need to digest the whole thing and consider the context, but it is definitely a tortuous read. Right now our 2 captains of industry are knee deep in an extra-marital affair, trying to find the engineer who seems to have designed an impossible motor, and are in the midst of a new socialist crackdown on business in the United States. I'm hoping the reading goes faster soon as there are other books I would like to get to one of these days.
Well, that's it for the first entry. I'm not promising an everyday blog here, but I will do my best to keep with timely updates. Have a good night, everyone.
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